Sand Panda No Jutsu
by Amerachan
Summary: You can put him in a panda suit, but you can't make him entertain...


Sand Panda No Jutsu

"What is this thing?" he asked, severe and deadly annoyance creeping into his voice.

"It's a...panda suit..." his sister said, with a confused and frightened tone.

"That's right It's a panda suit! Doesn't he look adorable in it, Temari?" Kankuro said with a proud smile on his painted face.

"...I don't think I've ever seen a rabid panda before..." Temari shuddered. "He looks like the kind that have been taken from their mother at an older age and he's going to unleash a fury of claws, teeth and mass murder on anyone that goes near him."

"That_ is _what I'm going to do. Mass murder," Gaara affirmed, balling a panda fist and shaking it in front of his panda face.

"No you're not," Kankuro said, shaking a finger. "Actually, what you're _going_ to do is entertain a bunch of children."

"What?"

"You're going to work at a birthday party, and tell jokes and dance and make the kids happy!"

"...Kankuro. You realize that Gaara doesn't even _smile_, right?" Temari pointed out.

"...Well, then today he learns!" Kankuro exclaimed, pointing towards the ceiling.

"I will kill you for this, Kankuro," Gaara threatened, lowering his panda head so that it shielded his eyes.

"If you were intending to kill me, you'd have done so already," Kankuro stated boldly, and then, without allowing the angry Genin-panda to respond, placed an arm around his shoulder and led him out the door.

* * *

Before Panda-Gaara knew what was happening, he stood in front of a tall house in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. Inside, he could hear laughter and music. He sighed as he gave the closed door the death glare of the century, and he wanted to turn around and leave, but before he could move another step either way, Kankuro had knocked on the door. Panda-Gaara's eyes widened about three times their un-eyebrowed size as the door slowly opened to reveal a tall man with huge eyebrows and a bowl-cut that covered his ears.

"Welcome! I'm Master Gai! I'm so glad that you could make it! Lee's always wanted an entertainer at his birthday, and it's so wonderful that you're in a panda suit! He just _loves_ pandas! Please, come on in!"

Before a protest could be uttered, Master Gai ushered him into the house, leading him and his siblings up a set of stairs. Panda-Gaara looked back at Kankuro and a fearful Temari. Kankuro winked and whispered, "We _need_ the money from this gig, Gaara. Just deal with it, ok? You're the only one who can fit in that suit, anyways!"

With another murderous sigh, Panda-Gaara faced the stairs. When the company stopped at a shut door, he turned his attention to the mass of wood. As Master Gai opened the door, he expected a bunch of bratty little children running around, hyped up on candy. However, when the huge wooden door was swung aside, he was confronted with nothing other than teenagers, in fact they all looked like Genin, just like him, and the headbands they all wore in one style or another proved this suspicion.

For a long moment, the people in the party froze, and then one Genin, who looked like a miniature of Master Gai jumped out of the throng of people, squealing in delight.

"A panda! Master Gai, you're so great!" the boy exclaimed, hugging Panda-Gaara and then Master Gai. Panda-Gaara twitched at the touch.

"Wow, that's so cool!" a young girl with pink hair exclaimed. "What do you think, Sasuke?"

The boy to whom the pink-haired girl spoke seemed to cringe.

"I think I'm going to be violently ill," the boy said blandly.

"Aww, come on, Sasuke!" a blonde-haired boy argued in Sasuke's face. "You only say that because you don't know how to have fun! You have no humour."

"Shut up, Naruto. Lee's a Genin, why should he even _want_ a panda-man at his birthday party? It's something you do for your five year-old."

Some of the other Genin nodded in agreement with Sasuke, but most of them told him to shut up, he was just ruining the fun. As Panda-Gaara stood there, watching the exchange with a blank expression, Kankuro pushed him into the crowd. He stumbled and bumped into the one called Naruto, who poked his tummy in curiosity. To the amazement of all, the suit produced a high-pitched squeak, like that which would come from a dog-toy. Obviously amused, Naruto gave a mischevious grin and continued to poke the spot over and over again, unleashing a myriad of squeaks that made even the one called Sasuke chuckle.

Within minutes, however, Panda-Gaara siezed the boy's hand and glared at him, but then he heard Kankuro clear his throat behind him, and he let go, lowering his head in humility. As though someone sensed how ridiculous he felt and desired to make it worse, someone in the crowd shouted, "Sing something!"

He looked back with what could almost be a look of pleading to Kankuro, who did nothing but smile and toss him a wireless microphone. He caught it and stared at it for a long time, and then his gaze alternated between the object and the people, who were cheering him on. With yet another sigh, he held the microphone inches away from his face and sang in monotone:

"Total slaughter, Total slaughter,

"I won't leave A single man alive.

"La-de-da-de-die,

"Genocide.

"La-de-da-de-dud,

"A ocean of blood.

"Let's begin The killing time."

His song finished, he gave a small bow and gaze over the faces that stared back at him, mouths agape. He was sure that they would chase him out at that very moment, but then, as thought one entity, they began cheering, and Panda-Gaara nearly stumbled back in surprise.

Then, Lee thrust a bandaged hand in the air as though he had just won something, and screamed, "KARAOKE!"

Before he could understand what that meant, he was pushed off the stage, and the people were all fighting over the microphone. After what seemed like a long battle, Master Gai jumped up and away from them all, exclaiming, "I've got it! I win!"

With that, he placed a disk in a stereo and began to sing, 'I'm too sexy,' dancing in a sultry manner, and before anyone knew what was happening, he began to slide off his vest.

"Oh my God! He's stripping!" Sakura exclaimed, pointing and covering her eyes immediately after.

"I can't handle this anymore!" Sasuke muttered before darting into the bathroom, where the sound of retching was instantly heard.

Panda-Gaara stepped back and watched in horror as the song continued, and luckily, finished before Master Gai could finish removing his clothing. He was then tackled off the stage by some Genin and a silver-haired man who Panda-Gaara figured was probably a Jonin.

The rest of the party finished within an hour and a half, during which Panda-Gaara was further humiliated by being forced to do juggling and other childish tricks. At the end of the party, Panda-Gaara was paid a fair sum and he walked out with his siblings.

"See, Gaara, that wasn't so bad now, was it?" Kankuro proclaimed, placing a hand on the Genin's still suited shoulder.

"It was terrible," Panda-Gaara contradicted, brushing the hand off. "If I ever have to do that again, I might really kill someone."

"Aww, don't be like that! We made quite a lot of money. Job well done, Gaara!" Kankuro said proudly.

Temari kept her mouth shut.

* * *

Two months later brought the Chunin exams, and Gaara, sans panda suit, was ready to take the test, not because he particularly cared about becoming a Chunin, but because he felt the need to kill someone. He had let the incident pass between he and his siblings, and decided not to punish them, most Kankuro, for the whole ordeal, but now, he needed to spill some blood.

He welcomed the coming of the exam with a deadly eagerness, but he had no idea what he was in for. It was not the challenges of the test that he could not possibly prepared himself for, though. When he arrived at the testing area, he could feel eyes watching him, and giggles followed his steps like his shadow. Annoyed, he looked up and around for the source, only to find the same Genin who he had 'entertained' at the party were now here, taking the Chunin exam. Of course, they were only giggling, with the exception of a certain blonde ninja, who was guffawing excitedly, pointing a finger at Gaara.

"Hey guys! That's the kid in the panda suit at Lee's party!"

* * *

The song is the 'Genocide Song,' which Vash from Trigun sings 

This story was inspired by both my brother and myself, and he gave me many ideas for it, and how things should play out. He deserves a good deal of credit for this story.


End file.
